Being a Food Addict

As I was 'relaxing' on the couch the other night I kept looking up all of these at home workout that I could do, recipes to try and reading other people's success stories.  I have been unhappy with how I look for a while and thought to myself, "it really isn't that hard to look and feel better. I mean, all that it means is to dedicate 30 minutes a day to exercise." 

Then I realized that for me, it IS hard. I am more than willing and able to put the time in to exercise, but I struggle to eat healthy. Working out used to be what I did in my spare time while I was going to college. After or between classes I would go to the gym for several hours; get my cardio in, lift weights, the whole nine yards. When I met Brysen I was in the best shape of my life and I knew it. 

We started to date and eating habits became both better and worse. Better because I was eating more consistently thanks to Brysen, but worse because I started to eat anything and everything not giving a second thought to my slowing metabolism. We got engaged a year later and I had noticed a slight weight gain, but it was manageable. Before the wedding I started to exercise, but didn't really change my eating habits. As I began to exercise again, the weight slowly started to come off, but not as quickly as I wanted. I got frustrated but didn't want to examine the why, so I chose to ignore it instead and ate Carl's Jr. for dinner. 

I have a slower metabolism so I have to work extra hard to lose weight, unlike Brysen who can go on walks and the weight just falls out. When the weight did't come off as fast as I wanted it to, the depression hit. HARD. I completely gave up. Tears, feelings of hopelessness and anxiety would come whenever I thought about starting another exercise regime. I would curse my metabolism and look for a fad diet to fix it. When that wouldn't work I would take my feelings out on food. Ice Cream, burgers, french fries, you name it and I wanted it. It took me 3 months to decide to try it again. Life got a bit better. My eating was better and I noticed that my workouts were paying off. 

Then I went on my fertility medication. And I swelled like a balloon. I gained 15-20 pounds in 4 days. I gained weight in my face, stomach, thighs, arms. EVERYWHERE. I tried my hardest to lose the weight after, and it wouldn't budge. Thankfully, Brysen was extremely supportive and decided that he would be my workout buddy to help motivate me. And I love him for it. This worked for a few weeks until I decided that I wanted pizza or Chinese food. This was a battle almost every day and still is. 

As I was thinking about everything as I sat on the couch, I realized a harsh truth. I am addicted to food. Food makes me feel better. It makes me happy. It 'helps' me curb my depression for the moment. I hate taking the time to cook - why would I want to when I can go somewhere else and someone can do it for me? 

This realization hurt, but it also opened my eyes. I have shifted my focus from losing weight to fighting my food addiction instead. I know that the weight loss will follow and that it will be a slow process in the beginning. Once I have overcome that obstacle, then I can focus on stepping up my workouts. I also know that it won't be easy, especially with the holidays coming up. I am determined to enjoy them and not restrict myself, but to also be aware of what I am eating and to limit myself, especially with the pumpkin pies. ;) 

So here is to eating better.....and loving life. :)

To Try or Not to Try?

I am amazed at all of the support I have received from so many different people. I was shocked to learn how many other people struggle with infertility as well; it was a relief to learn that I wasn’t the only one who was struggling to get pregnant.

                As I mentioned in my last post, I had tried using a fertility pill to help me get pregnant and it didn’t work. When it came time for us to try the next round with the fertility pill my husband and I had to sit down and have an intense conversation (well, at least intense on my end).

                Life is currently extremely busy for me and my husband. Needless to say, I am very stressed out and occasionally overwhelmed by everything I have going on, especially when you add taking fertility medications that mess with your hormones on top of everything else. We asked ourselves if we wanted to try to have a baby again this month or to wait. Because of how stressed out I have been, my husband and I decided to wait until I was done with school in May to do the next round of the fertility medication.

                Logically I knew that this was a good decision, one that will help me in the long run. However, I couldn’t (and still can’t) get my emotions to understand this logic. When the day came and passed when we were supposed to start the next round of medications I felt ANGRY. I was ridiculously upset, hurt, and emotional. I lashed out at my husband, blaming him. It took me a few days to calm down and to realize why I was so angry.

                I felt like I had betrayed my husband, both of our parents and families by not trying to have a baby this month. However, I felt like I had betrayed my future children by not giving them a chance to come and join our family. I feel selfish for focusing on myself and trying to get done with school. I cried for days thinking about how it was my fault that I wasn’t doing everything I could to try to have a baby. While some days are better than others, I still dwell on the fact that I didn’t take the medication. I hurt when I think about the family we could have but I’m not doing what I need to in order to have a baby.  

                Sometimes I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I don’t know if I need to feel angry, hurt and bitter because I can’t get pregnant. I don’t know if I need to feel guilty for not trying to get pregnant this month. I don’t know if I need to feel at peace with the decision to wait until I’m done with school to keep trying. I have all of these emotions plus some I can’t even begin to describe.

                Struggling with fertility is hard, especially emotionally. I didn’t know that I would feel so many different things all at once when I first talked with my OB. Good thing my husband still loves me despite all of my crazy emotions! :) I am just taking it one day at a time, trying to understand my emotions and to cope with them. That’s all I can do for now.

-Brittney

My Hardest Trial

I am currently trying to finish my senior year at Utah State this semester. I am working part time, doing an internship at DCFS part time and going to school full time. I know that the trials I am facing with school will help me become more patient and will help me begin my career. This is a trial I understand, one I am even grateful for (when I have finished my homework that is).  

My hardest trial that I have ever struggled with, and one I don't understand, has been becoming pregnant. My sweet, loving husband and I have been trying to start a family for 2 ½ years now. Nothing is biologically wrong with either one of us. We just aren’t able to have children. I started to take a fertility pill in December last year and only found heartache when it didn’t work. I have gotten my hopes up month after month, being a few days later each month, wondering if I was finally pregnant just to have my heart broken each time.

I had always assumed that I would get pregnant right off the bat, just like everyone else I knew. All of my mom’s siblings were able to have kids without a problem, as were all of my friends, so why should I be any different? When I first stopped taking birth control, I told myself it would happen in just a few months. I kept telling myself this for about a year.  

My adorable sister had struggled getting pregnant for a year as well when she suddenly got pregnant out of the blue. While I was insanely jealous, I had assumed that it would be the same for me. It wasn’t until my sister had given me a perfect little niece that I realized that I was different. I remember sitting in her hospital room staring at my new niece and feeling completely broken, like something was wrong with me. I finally gathered the courage to admit that if I was going to have a baby then I needed to talk with my OB.

I fearfully made the appointment to start the process of using a fertility pill. My OB and I had a long conversation about different things to try to help me get pregnant and she prescribed me something that would help me ovulate, as that was her guess what the problem was. After talking with several people about it, everyone told me stories of how either they or someone they knew had taken the prescription had gotten pregnant right away. I was sure it would be like this for me.

My heart was broken when it didn’t. I felt like a failure, a failure as a person and as a wife. I felt like I couldn’t give my amazing, sweet husband a family or either of our parents another grandchild. While I had ovulated and done everything I was told to do, I still didn’t get pregnant. I cried for days. I still cry about it.

I am currently still trying to get pregnant. My heart breaks a little more for both myself and my husband when the signs that I am NOT pregnant appear. However, when this happens my husband just holds me close and lets me cry. He tells that our time will come and that I just need to be patient. He reminds me of how much he loves me and that his love for me will never die. He is my rock, my hero. I am blessed to call him mine forever. I know that someday, even though I don’t know when, he will be an amazing father. So for now I am going to go cuddle him and tell him how much I love him. :)