To Try or Not to Try?

I am amazed at all of the support I have received from so many different people. I was shocked to learn how many other people struggle with infertility as well; it was a relief to learn that I wasn’t the only one who was struggling to get pregnant.

                As I mentioned in my last post, I had tried using a fertility pill to help me get pregnant and it didn’t work. When it came time for us to try the next round with the fertility pill my husband and I had to sit down and have an intense conversation (well, at least intense on my end).

                Life is currently extremely busy for me and my husband. Needless to say, I am very stressed out and occasionally overwhelmed by everything I have going on, especially when you add taking fertility medications that mess with your hormones on top of everything else. We asked ourselves if we wanted to try to have a baby again this month or to wait. Because of how stressed out I have been, my husband and I decided to wait until I was done with school in May to do the next round of the fertility medication.

                Logically I knew that this was a good decision, one that will help me in the long run. However, I couldn’t (and still can’t) get my emotions to understand this logic. When the day came and passed when we were supposed to start the next round of medications I felt ANGRY. I was ridiculously upset, hurt, and emotional. I lashed out at my husband, blaming him. It took me a few days to calm down and to realize why I was so angry.

                I felt like I had betrayed my husband, both of our parents and families by not trying to have a baby this month. However, I felt like I had betrayed my future children by not giving them a chance to come and join our family. I feel selfish for focusing on myself and trying to get done with school. I cried for days thinking about how it was my fault that I wasn’t doing everything I could to try to have a baby. While some days are better than others, I still dwell on the fact that I didn’t take the medication. I hurt when I think about the family we could have but I’m not doing what I need to in order to have a baby.  

                Sometimes I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I don’t know if I need to feel angry, hurt and bitter because I can’t get pregnant. I don’t know if I need to feel guilty for not trying to get pregnant this month. I don’t know if I need to feel at peace with the decision to wait until I’m done with school to keep trying. I have all of these emotions plus some I can’t even begin to describe.

                Struggling with fertility is hard, especially emotionally. I didn’t know that I would feel so many different things all at once when I first talked with my OB. Good thing my husband still loves me despite all of my crazy emotions! :) I am just taking it one day at a time, trying to understand my emotions and to cope with them. That’s all I can do for now.

-Brittney

My Hardest Trial

I am currently trying to finish my senior year at Utah State this semester. I am working part time, doing an internship at DCFS part time and going to school full time. I know that the trials I am facing with school will help me become more patient and will help me begin my career. This is a trial I understand, one I am even grateful for (when I have finished my homework that is).  

My hardest trial that I have ever struggled with, and one I don't understand, has been becoming pregnant. My sweet, loving husband and I have been trying to start a family for 2 ½ years now. Nothing is biologically wrong with either one of us. We just aren’t able to have children. I started to take a fertility pill in December last year and only found heartache when it didn’t work. I have gotten my hopes up month after month, being a few days later each month, wondering if I was finally pregnant just to have my heart broken each time.

I had always assumed that I would get pregnant right off the bat, just like everyone else I knew. All of my mom’s siblings were able to have kids without a problem, as were all of my friends, so why should I be any different? When I first stopped taking birth control, I told myself it would happen in just a few months. I kept telling myself this for about a year.  

My adorable sister had struggled getting pregnant for a year as well when she suddenly got pregnant out of the blue. While I was insanely jealous, I had assumed that it would be the same for me. It wasn’t until my sister had given me a perfect little niece that I realized that I was different. I remember sitting in her hospital room staring at my new niece and feeling completely broken, like something was wrong with me. I finally gathered the courage to admit that if I was going to have a baby then I needed to talk with my OB.

I fearfully made the appointment to start the process of using a fertility pill. My OB and I had a long conversation about different things to try to help me get pregnant and she prescribed me something that would help me ovulate, as that was her guess what the problem was. After talking with several people about it, everyone told me stories of how either they or someone they knew had taken the prescription had gotten pregnant right away. I was sure it would be like this for me.

My heart was broken when it didn’t. I felt like a failure, a failure as a person and as a wife. I felt like I couldn’t give my amazing, sweet husband a family or either of our parents another grandchild. While I had ovulated and done everything I was told to do, I still didn’t get pregnant. I cried for days. I still cry about it.

I am currently still trying to get pregnant. My heart breaks a little more for both myself and my husband when the signs that I am NOT pregnant appear. However, when this happens my husband just holds me close and lets me cry. He tells that our time will come and that I just need to be patient. He reminds me of how much he loves me and that his love for me will never die. He is my rock, my hero. I am blessed to call him mine forever. I know that someday, even though I don’t know when, he will be an amazing father. So for now I am going to go cuddle him and tell him how much I love him. :)

What I'm Grateful For

This past month has been an excellent time for me to really think about what I am truly grateful for. I am eternally grateful for my sweet, caring, hilarious husband. He is my best friend, love of my life, soul mate, and rock.  

I am grateful for my family, both mine and my husbands. They are always there for us whenever we need them. I have been blessed with incredible in-laws who accept me and are supportive of me and my man. 

I am grateful for the opportunity I have to go to college and to get a better education. I'm grateful that I am able to receive scholarships so I don't have to pay my full tuition....let's face it. College is expensive. 

I am grateful for my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Without them I wouldn't be the person I am today. I am grateful that I am able to attend weekly church meetings, even if I do struggle with getting up on time. 

Now it's time for me to go and cuddle my amazing husband in front of the fireplace and play a game of Yahtzee. 

Love,
Britt

Our Life

It's been a while since I've posted anything, and I'm sure someone out there, somewhere, is wondering what is going on with the Spencer Family. Here is a short review of the last seven months. 

Brysen turned 30 this past January! I'm not sure who was more weird-ed out by this, me or him. He took all of the teasing in stride and had a good time....or at least that's what he told me. :) We celebrated by going bowling and out to dinner before returning home to just spend some time together. 

Brysen's "Awesome" Present

We celebrated our two-year wedding anniversary in February, which was a blast. Brysen was in charge of the evening, which was perfect for me. He took me out on a progressive dinner date since I had never been on one before. We had our appetizers at Applebee's, drinks at Jamba Juice, dinner at the Brick Oven, and dessert at Coldstone. It was such a fun and amazing evening, despite the fact that I was sick to my stomach by the end of the night. 

My amazing big sister found out she was pregnant with her first baby in February as well. I was beyond excited for my sister and her husband, knowing how long they've wanted this baby. However, at the same time, I felt guilty because I was so incredibly jealous of them. I wanted my own baby honestly struggled with her pregnancy for a while. My sister being my best friend and one of the most incredible people I know, supported me through my emotions and helped me come to terms with everything. Now all I focus on is being the best, coolest aunt to my new niece!

The Expecting Parents

Brysen celebrated his one-year anniversary at his job in March. I began to have some struggles with my job around this time and would joke about quitting, mainly during midterms. In May I finished my Junior year at USU and was placed for my practicum. I was one of the lucky ones who got their number one choice of placement! I officially start my practicum in August at DCFS and I couldn't be more excited!

-Britt

New Years Resolution

This year I originally came up with the resolution to lose weight just like most people. However, after many tried and even more failed attempts to do just this for almost all of 2013 I realized that I needed to come up with a new plan of action. 

On Christmas my mom and three of my four sisters and I were all sitting around on the couch jokingly complaining that we had all eaten too much and were gaining weight from all of the meals and candy we had consumed in the past month. The sad thing? None of us were really joking. 

We came up with this wonderful plan that we would all try to lose the weight together and that we would be one another's support system. We created our own Facebook page and blog. All of us were excited to get started. All of us except me. 

I am the kind of person who needs someone to go to the gym with me to motivate me, to hold my hand as I go through the process of losing weight. Setting a goal is great, but if I don't think I can accomplish the goal then I don't even really start. If I do accomplish my goal then I completely let go and put all the weight back on in half the time it took me to lose it. So when my family and I decided to lose the weight, I honestly wasn't that into it. 

Here was my plan: "I have been too stressed out with work and school which has made it more difficult to lose the weight" or "I have anxiety and depression which makes it more difficult to lose weight". 

Yep. Excuses. I'm ashamed to admit that these thoughts not only crossed my mind but I was already planning on using them. 

And then something strange and wonderful happened. I had a realization as I was sitting and talking with some close friends at a party on New Years Eve.

We were going around and talking about what we wanted to accomplish for 2014, and the most common theme between all of us was to lose weight. And then  Brysen's cousin said something that seemed so obvious to me. He simply said "I want to live healthier." 

Now I know for some people that this might go hand in hand with loosing weight, but that was never the case for me. Sure, the thought had crossed my mind every now and then but I never really realized what it meant. I figured that as long as I was losing the weight then I could still make Brysen take me out to eat several times a week where I could binge and then I would watch what I ate the rest of the time. 

If I can learn to not just go on a diet and then go back to fast food multiple times a week and learn how to eat properly, to find ways to stay more active instead of watching t.v all night and to make it a habit, then not only will the weight stay off but I will be a happier person overall. 

My new resolution is to become a healthier person; losing weight will be an added bonus. 

Now I am much more motivated to lose the weight and to keep eating apples when I am craving french fries. 

Until next time,

Britt

Year in Review

This year has been a busy one for our small family. 

In January we bought our very first house. In the beginning it was a love/hate relationship with the home. After the first six months though, only love remained in my heart (except when I have to clean it). 

In February we celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. It was celebrated among boxes and chaos, but it didn't matter. We had a marvelous time and decided that we're still madly in love. 

The end of April was another busy month for us because we got to move into the upstairs of our house! After five months of waiting for the painting to be completed we were finally able to move upstairs to live and decorate in our new house. 

The beginning of summer was a learning curve for us and our relationship. I decided that I would quit my full time job and find another one. This was hard for both of us because at this point in time I was making more money than Brysen was. When I stopped working we had to learn how to budget all over again and how to communicate about finances. The last part was the hardest for me; in my mind, if I didn't see it then it wasn't as big of a problem and we were doing okay. It took months for me to finally be able and willing to communicate about finances with Brysen (and he was beyond relieved when I did).  

I ended up getting a new job in July, which messed up our entire schedule. I went from having the same schedule as my adorable husband to the opposite schedule. I was now working evenings and nights, which I loved because I got to avoid traffic, but I also hated because I rarely got to see Brysen anymore. 

In October I ended up getting another part time job in the mornings, which has been fun but hard. Brysen began teaching boy scout classes once a week as well. 

Over the summer we went on our very first camping trip with some of our closest friends in Aston, Idaho. Yay!! I decided that this was something I would love to do much more often. 

My little sister Megyn decided she wanted to go on a mission and left for the MTC in late August. I'll be the first to admit that at first it wasn't that weird not having her around since we had lived on opposite sides of the state for several years. But as the weeks stretched on her absence became much more obvious to me. We are both proud of her and are always excited to hear from her. 

We celebrated our third meet-aversary on October 15th. We have now known each other for three years, which is awesome. We both agreed that it was a good thing we met each other and that Brysen decided to give me a chance. 

We spent Thanksgiving with my family for the first time as a married couple this year. It was a fun experience for the whole family, even if Brysen didn't want to go Black Friday shopping with everyone. 

This year we spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my wonderful in-laws, and even though I was nervous I was excited to be able to participate in their traditions. 

Now the year is almost over and I am looking forward to what the new year will bring. 

Making a House a Home

After months of late nights, running to Home Depot for supplies, calling friends and family over, we have officially finished the first part of our house renovations. We actually finished about 4 months ago but life has been rather hectic so I'm just barely getting around to writing about it. 

When we first saw our house both the Hubby and I liked it but we weren't in love with it. However, when our bid was excepted we were both thrilled beyond words that we were getting our first house, even if it wasn't our most absolute favorite one we had looked at. 

As soon as we moved in we started fixing the place up. We put in a new kitchen floor, replaced all the moldings and painted the entire upstairs. Now that our major repairs have been done we have been living happily in our cute little home. I am beyond excited to decorate it for the upcoming holiday season!!! :)

My dining area before the remodel

My new, pretty dining area

The front entrance

Old front room painted a light tan with a brown accent wall

My new, beautiful front room (we did a darker tan and an Aztec red for the accent walls)!