Living with Depression (a.k.a. "Princess Problems")

Depression: sadness, dejection. A condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. 

This is the general definition if you were to look up the word in the dictionary. And the definition is correct - but also wrong at the same time. Depression is also feeling lost, with no way of knowing what to do to make it better. Depression is feeling hopeless, despite others best efforts to lift you up. 

I would know. 

I have depression. 

For a long time, I thought that it was all my fault that I was sad. I thought that since I couldn't make myself be happy that I didn't deserve to be happy. 

It took me three years to learn that it wasn't my fault. Then it took me another four years to accept that I had depression and that it was okay. 

I went through an angry phase in my teenage years. I couldn't really feel any other emotion other than sadness or anger, and the anger was soooo much easier for me to cope with. My parents didn't know what was wrong because I didn't know how to explain to them what I was feeling or what I needed - I didn't even know what that was. 

I ended up making a new friend my senior year of high school. She didn't judge me for not being able to be happy all of the time like I thought she would. She accepted me for who I was. When we were at USU together my second year, her first, she convinced me to go to the Student Health and Wellness Center to talk to someone about how I was feeling. 

I fought against her until I realized that she might be right. That maybe I needed to go and talk to someone. I made an appointment and a few days later, I was sitting in a white, sterile room being told that I had depression and probably some anxiety as well. I left feeling even more lost, nervous to try a medication that was prescribed to me. I was also encouraged to go to counseling to try to figure some things out. I tried, but hated it. 

After being on my medication for about a month, I met the man of my dreams. He made me HAPPY. He made me feel safe, complete, loved. We started dating and I fell madly in love. I went back to the doctor for a follow up and told him that I was feeling much better. He agreed to cut my dosage in half. Even after several challenges, I still felt good with only half of the beginning dosage. 

I ended up moving back in with my parents to start saving up and planning a wedding. I was doing perfectly fine until Brysen left me for a few weeks. I had also decided right around this time that I didn't need to be taking my medication anymore, partly because I was too busy running my day care, partly because I didn't want to anymore. 

I. Lost. It. 

I started picking fights with Brysen while he was away. I became unhappy living at home, despite the free rent, free food and free internet. I became a ticking time bomb that would explode every time Brysen would call me. I would 'blow up' on him because I expected him to make me happy again. It wasn't until he almost broke up with me that I realized that I needed to get back on my medication. 

Brysen came home, I cried and apologized and got back on my meds. After a few weeks, I was in control again. I was able to be happy and didn't feel lethargic or hopeless anymore. I was able to smile without any effort. 

A few months later I married the man of my dreams in the Bountiful Temple. Brysen and I were able to start our life together under normal circumstances. I still take my medication every day to live a normal, happy life. I will probably take it for the rest of my life. Some days I'm still depressed, despite my medication. But, that's what it's like living with depression. Not everyday is happy or sunny. But I know that I am doing what I need to in order for my brain to function correctly. When I do have a rough day or week, Brysen and I call it having 'Princess Problems' - it just sounds happier and not as dreary. 

I have an incredible life, full of blessings from my Heavenly Father. The biggest blessing is my husband. Brysen is incredibly supportive and understanding. He knows exactly what I need, even if I don't know I need it at the moment. He is, still, the love of my life. He makes me the happiest I've ever been, both with and without my medication. So I am going to go cuddle him and have him tell me our love story before going to bed. :)

Summer Check In

I both love and hate summer. I love that I get to sleep in, but I hate that I'm not working. I hate the heat, but I love being able to be outside at night. But most of all, I love summer because I get to spend more time with these cute kids!

(I know, I have the cutest niece and nephews ever!)

Our summer has been pretty busy, full of lots of adventures!

First my niece and nephews moved home from the U.A.E., 

then there was the 4th of July, 

next was a co-workers wedding,

and then it was my uncle's wedding!

I got to be a bridesmaid!

We just got back from a family vacation to Dinosaur Land with my in-laws and the kids. It was hot, but we had an awesome time! We got to our hotel late Thursday night and went straight to bed. Friday we woke up, got dressed, sang "Happy Britthday" to Kellan and headed to the Dinosaur park! 

The boys loved seeing the dinosaur bones!

We drove around to see the petroglyphs and then went back to the hotel for some swimming. 

We got cleaned up and walked to Golden Coral for dinner. Even though I ate waaaay to much, I still ran around biggest, most awesome park ever with the kids until I was too tired to stand. Then it was back to the hotel, clean up once again and then bed! We woke up late Saturday, packed up our bags and drove back home. 

It was a short vacation, but I loved every minute of it! 

Summer has been a lot of fun, but I am ready to go back to work in a week. :) 



Until next time,

Britt

I did it!!!

In August of 2009, I started an incredible journey, one that would last for six years! I began my college experience at Utah State University. I packed up my bags and moved to Logan, settled into my dorm, made some new friends and reconnected with old friends, stayed up way too late and had way too much fun.

The next semester I moved in with my best friend and we thought we were going to have the time of our lives! While things didn't quite work out that way, we were still able to have some awesome experiences.

I met Brysen, fell in love and figured that since I was crazy about him that I should probably marry him. I packed up and moved back to my parents house in Magna so I could work and save up some money before getting married while taking some online classes. I got a pretty sweet job and decided that I wanted to change my major because of that job. I continued to go to school part time and work on my degree. 

A little while later I decided to go to the Tooele extension for my Social Work classes. I was there for about a year, but then transferred to the Brigham City extension as it was closer to my house. I spent the next two years there with my cohort, learning and experiencing some of the craziest things with them. 

On May 17th, 2015, I walked for my graduation. 2 weeks later I took my last final, realized I passed all of my classes and had officially graduated! 

Now that I'm no longer in school, I need to find a new hobby since homework is no longer controlling my life. I think I'm going to start by catching up on all of the TV series and books that I missed out on. :)

Until next time,

Britt

To Try or Not to Try?

I am amazed at all of the support I have received from so many different people. I was shocked to learn how many other people struggle with infertility as well; it was a relief to learn that I wasn’t the only one who was struggling to get pregnant.

                As I mentioned in my last post, I had tried using a fertility pill to help me get pregnant and it didn’t work. When it came time for us to try the next round with the fertility pill my husband and I had to sit down and have an intense conversation (well, at least intense on my end).

                Life is currently extremely busy for me and my husband. Needless to say, I am very stressed out and occasionally overwhelmed by everything I have going on, especially when you add taking fertility medications that mess with your hormones on top of everything else. We asked ourselves if we wanted to try to have a baby again this month or to wait. Because of how stressed out I have been, my husband and I decided to wait until I was done with school in May to do the next round of the fertility medication.

                Logically I knew that this was a good decision, one that will help me in the long run. However, I couldn’t (and still can’t) get my emotions to understand this logic. When the day came and passed when we were supposed to start the next round of medications I felt ANGRY. I was ridiculously upset, hurt, and emotional. I lashed out at my husband, blaming him. It took me a few days to calm down and to realize why I was so angry.

                I felt like I had betrayed my husband, both of our parents and families by not trying to have a baby this month. However, I felt like I had betrayed my future children by not giving them a chance to come and join our family. I feel selfish for focusing on myself and trying to get done with school. I cried for days thinking about how it was my fault that I wasn’t doing everything I could to try to have a baby. While some days are better than others, I still dwell on the fact that I didn’t take the medication. I hurt when I think about the family we could have but I’m not doing what I need to in order to have a baby.  

                Sometimes I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I don’t know if I need to feel angry, hurt and bitter because I can’t get pregnant. I don’t know if I need to feel guilty for not trying to get pregnant this month. I don’t know if I need to feel at peace with the decision to wait until I’m done with school to keep trying. I have all of these emotions plus some I can’t even begin to describe.

                Struggling with fertility is hard, especially emotionally. I didn’t know that I would feel so many different things all at once when I first talked with my OB. Good thing my husband still loves me despite all of my crazy emotions! :) I am just taking it one day at a time, trying to understand my emotions and to cope with them. That’s all I can do for now.

-Brittney

My Hardest Trial

I am currently trying to finish my senior year at Utah State this semester. I am working part time, doing an internship at DCFS part time and going to school full time. I know that the trials I am facing with school will help me become more patient and will help me begin my career. This is a trial I understand, one I am even grateful for (when I have finished my homework that is).  

My hardest trial that I have ever struggled with, and one I don't understand, has been becoming pregnant. My sweet, loving husband and I have been trying to start a family for 2 ½ years now. Nothing is biologically wrong with either one of us. We just aren’t able to have children. I started to take a fertility pill in December last year and only found heartache when it didn’t work. I have gotten my hopes up month after month, being a few days later each month, wondering if I was finally pregnant just to have my heart broken each time.

I had always assumed that I would get pregnant right off the bat, just like everyone else I knew. All of my mom’s siblings were able to have kids without a problem, as were all of my friends, so why should I be any different? When I first stopped taking birth control, I told myself it would happen in just a few months. I kept telling myself this for about a year.  

My adorable sister had struggled getting pregnant for a year as well when she suddenly got pregnant out of the blue. While I was insanely jealous, I had assumed that it would be the same for me. It wasn’t until my sister had given me a perfect little niece that I realized that I was different. I remember sitting in her hospital room staring at my new niece and feeling completely broken, like something was wrong with me. I finally gathered the courage to admit that if I was going to have a baby then I needed to talk with my OB.

I fearfully made the appointment to start the process of using a fertility pill. My OB and I had a long conversation about different things to try to help me get pregnant and she prescribed me something that would help me ovulate, as that was her guess what the problem was. After talking with several people about it, everyone told me stories of how either they or someone they knew had taken the prescription had gotten pregnant right away. I was sure it would be like this for me.

My heart was broken when it didn’t. I felt like a failure, a failure as a person and as a wife. I felt like I couldn’t give my amazing, sweet husband a family or either of our parents another grandchild. While I had ovulated and done everything I was told to do, I still didn’t get pregnant. I cried for days. I still cry about it.

I am currently still trying to get pregnant. My heart breaks a little more for both myself and my husband when the signs that I am NOT pregnant appear. However, when this happens my husband just holds me close and lets me cry. He tells that our time will come and that I just need to be patient. He reminds me of how much he loves me and that his love for me will never die. He is my rock, my hero. I am blessed to call him mine forever. I know that someday, even though I don’t know when, he will be an amazing father. So for now I am going to go cuddle him and tell him how much I love him. :)

What I'm Grateful For

This past month has been an excellent time for me to really think about what I am truly grateful for. I am eternally grateful for my sweet, caring, hilarious husband. He is my best friend, love of my life, soul mate, and rock.  

I am grateful for my family, both mine and my husbands. They are always there for us whenever we need them. I have been blessed with incredible in-laws who accept me and are supportive of me and my man. 

I am grateful for the opportunity I have to go to college and to get a better education. I'm grateful that I am able to receive scholarships so I don't have to pay my full tuition....let's face it. College is expensive. 

I am grateful for my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Without them I wouldn't be the person I am today. I am grateful that I am able to attend weekly church meetings, even if I do struggle with getting up on time. 

Now it's time for me to go and cuddle my amazing husband in front of the fireplace and play a game of Yahtzee. 

Love,
Britt

Our Life

It's been a while since I've posted anything, and I'm sure someone out there, somewhere, is wondering what is going on with the Spencer Family. Here is a short review of the last seven months. 

Brysen turned 30 this past January! I'm not sure who was more weird-ed out by this, me or him. He took all of the teasing in stride and had a good time....or at least that's what he told me. :) We celebrated by going bowling and out to dinner before returning home to just spend some time together. 

Brysen's "Awesome" Present

We celebrated our two-year wedding anniversary in February, which was a blast. Brysen was in charge of the evening, which was perfect for me. He took me out on a progressive dinner date since I had never been on one before. We had our appetizers at Applebee's, drinks at Jamba Juice, dinner at the Brick Oven, and dessert at Coldstone. It was such a fun and amazing evening, despite the fact that I was sick to my stomach by the end of the night. 

My amazing big sister found out she was pregnant with her first baby in February as well. I was beyond excited for my sister and her husband, knowing how long they've wanted this baby. However, at the same time, I felt guilty because I was so incredibly jealous of them. I wanted my own baby honestly struggled with her pregnancy for a while. My sister being my best friend and one of the most incredible people I know, supported me through my emotions and helped me come to terms with everything. Now all I focus on is being the best, coolest aunt to my new niece!

The Expecting Parents

Brysen celebrated his one-year anniversary at his job in March. I began to have some struggles with my job around this time and would joke about quitting, mainly during midterms. In May I finished my Junior year at USU and was placed for my practicum. I was one of the lucky ones who got their number one choice of placement! I officially start my practicum in August at DCFS and I couldn't be more excited!

-Britt