As I was 'relaxing' on the couch the other night I kept looking up all of these at home workout that I could do, recipes to try and reading other people's success stories. I have been unhappy with how I look for a while and thought to myself, "it really isn't that hard to look and feel better. I mean, all that it means is to dedicate 30 minutes a day to exercise."
Then I realized that for me, it IS hard. I am more than willing and able to put the time in to exercise, but I struggle to eat healthy. Working out used to be what I did in my spare time while I was going to college. After or between classes I would go to the gym for several hours; get my cardio in, lift weights, the whole nine yards. When I met Brysen I was in the best shape of my life and I knew it.
We started to date and eating habits became both better and worse. Better because I was eating more consistently thanks to Brysen, but worse because I started to eat anything and everything not giving a second thought to my slowing metabolism. We got engaged a year later and I had noticed a slight weight gain, but it was manageable. Before the wedding I started to exercise, but didn't really change my eating habits. As I began to exercise again, the weight slowly started to come off, but not as quickly as I wanted. I got frustrated but didn't want to examine the why, so I chose to ignore it instead and ate Carl's Jr. for dinner.
I have a slower metabolism so I have to work extra hard to lose weight, unlike Brysen who can go on walks and the weight just falls out. When the weight did't come off as fast as I wanted it to, the depression hit. HARD. I completely gave up. Tears, feelings of hopelessness and anxiety would come whenever I thought about starting another exercise regime. I would curse my metabolism and look for a fad diet to fix it. When that wouldn't work I would take my feelings out on food. Ice Cream, burgers, french fries, you name it and I wanted it. It took me 3 months to decide to try it again. Life got a bit better. My eating was better and I noticed that my workouts were paying off.
Then I went on my fertility medication. And I swelled like a balloon. I gained 15-20 pounds in 4 days. I gained weight in my face, stomach, thighs, arms. EVERYWHERE. I tried my hardest to lose the weight after, and it wouldn't budge. Thankfully, Brysen was extremely supportive and decided that he would be my workout buddy to help motivate me. And I love him for it. This worked for a few weeks until I decided that I wanted pizza or Chinese food. This was a battle almost every day and still is.
As I was thinking about everything as I sat on the couch, I realized a harsh truth. I am addicted to food. Food makes me feel better. It makes me happy. It 'helps' me curb my depression for the moment. I hate taking the time to cook - why would I want to when I can go somewhere else and someone can do it for me?
This realization hurt, but it also opened my eyes. I have shifted my focus from losing weight to fighting my food addiction instead. I know that the weight loss will follow and that it will be a slow process in the beginning. Once I have overcome that obstacle, then I can focus on stepping up my workouts. I also know that it won't be easy, especially with the holidays coming up. I am determined to enjoy them and not restrict myself, but to also be aware of what I am eating and to limit myself, especially with the pumpkin pies. ;)
So here is to eating better.....and loving life. :)
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